I have never in my life liked egg salad sandwiches.  Not that I ever had many of them.  I think part of it was probably my association of egg salad sandwiches with convalescent homes (senior citizen care centers).  I understand why it would be a popular dish in that setting.  It is a food that is soft and easy to chew, and aside from some base ingredients, one can make it as bland or flavorful as they wish.  I think the problem that I had with these sandwiches is that they never seemed to have much flavor.  Therefore, I stopped even attempting to eat them before the age of 12.

Now I have to take you back to last summer.  I live in Vegas, so it gets hot, and yes, it really does get hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk.  My sisters and I tested that theory as kids when we used to spend the summers here visiting relatives.  Well, the heat does strange things to my appetite, aside from sometimes just killing it completely.  Last summer, I suddenly had the oddest craving for an egg salad sandwich.  This was completely out of the blue, as I have already explained that I had written them off as unpalatable.  Alas, I know that if I don't give in to one of my spontaneous food cravings, it will haunt me until I do, even going on for months, so I knew that I had to try an egg salad sandwich as an adult.

I try to completely avoid red and white onions in food, although I love them, but I'm allergic and it took me years to really figure it out.  Because of that, I thought it was going to be hard to find egg salad sandwiches premade at the store without onions in them, since I thought that they were usually made with onions or onion salt for flavoring.  I guess I might have been confusing the mixture with potato salad, because I found a sandwich all wrapped and ready to go at the local supermarket that was sans onion products.  I got home and hesitatingly took the first bite, not sure what to expect.  Well, this particular sandwich had basically no flavor at all.  No salt or anything.  Sure, I could add salt, but the bread was already fused to the egg salad.  I ate the whole sandwich anyway.  It did nothing for my craving.  it just so happens that my cravings are not just for a certain dish, but for the ULTIMATE version of that dish.

There was only one thing I could do.  I had to make my own egg salad sandwiches at home from scratch.  I got out two of my many general cookbooks and decided to try each version at the same time.  I made both batches and found that neither one was all that great, but definitely better than the grocery store deli version.  After storing the mixtures in the fridge in their separate bowls, and telling one of my sisters to have at them, a day later we had a little of each left, but still in bowls much too large for the new portions.  I thought, "to heck with it", and tossed them in a bowl together.  I later decided to finish off my egg salad experiments, now combined, and it turned out that when mixed together, I actually had my ULTIMATE EGG SALAD SANDWICH that I had somehow daydreamed of.  I have since started craving this occasionally, so I have made it several times.  The amount of salt you use, which is the case for any food product, is up to your own taste buds.  A helpful hint for you, though, is that the mixture will taste saltier after it is allowed to sit for awhile.  I guess that's more of a warning, as you may think you've salted it to perfection, only to find that it is much too salty after 6 hours in the fridge. 

Ultimate Egg Salad Sandwiches

Ingredients:

10 eggs

5 tablespoons mayonnaise

1/4 cup drained pickle relish (or chop up some pickles yourself)

1/3 cup celery (I think celery is nutritionally useless; although it does add a fun crunch, I usually omit it)

2 tablespoons finely chopped green onion

1 tablespoon diced pimiento

1 tablespoon mustard (yellow, dijon, etc. - whatever you'd like best)

1/2 teaspoon salt

Loaf of sliced bread (the heartier the better - adds more variety to the texture)

Instructions:

Place whole eggs (shells intact) in a large saucepan with enough cold water to completely cover them.  Bring to boil on stove.  After boiling starts, continue to boil for 15-20 minutes.  When time is up, run cold water over them until cool enough to handle.  Crack each egg and peel off the shells (I believe that I read somewhere that egg shells make excellent fertilizer for some plants, but you'll have to research that one yourself).  On a cutting board, use your favorite knife to chop the eggs up.  I prefer the egg whites to be as big as quarter-inch cubes, but it all depends on how smooth you want to mixture.  Really, this sandwich is all about you and your preferences.  How else could it be the ULTIMATE for you as well as me?  Toss the chopped eggs into a medium-sized bowl and add all of the other ingredients, in whichever order you please.  Stir well.  Spread between two slices of bread, preferably toasted first.  Cut diagonally, and enjoy.  Refrigerate the leftover mixture immediately - never take your chances with heat and anything containing mayo.  Makes about 6 sandwiches.